This Thanksgiving I am Thankful for Postpartum Depression
*Trigger warning for those of you who may feel triggered by reading about Postpartum Depression and/or Anxiety please scroll on. Your mental heath is more important than this blog post
Thanksgiving weekend. I spent a bit of time today alone, reflecting on the year and thinking about what I am truly thankful for. My heart is warmed by the adorable photos of families sharing in this special time together, making room in their busy lives to stop and thank their loved ones for all that they do to make their small corner of the world a little brighter. I have a warm cup of coffee sitting beside me ever so gently making it’s presence known by the twirling steam rising up and dancing above the dark surface. Even as a busy mother of two small children, coffee isn’t something I indulge in often, so when I do I try to set the mood and really give myself a chance to savor every sip. My own personal coffee ritual; Incense, a quiet house, and my computer nearby to edit photos or, like today, write out some thoughts and feelings. The leaves are crunchy and brown on the ground, the wind blowing softly. The sun peeks in and out from the clouds, but it’s cool enough to wear sweaters and scarves. Little noses are wet with snot and cheeks turn rosy. This is fleeting. These moments. This season, in every sense. Autumn reminds me year after year how nothing beautiful stays, no matter how much we wish it would. The evanescence of fall distracts not from it’s beauty, nor from the sentimental and poetic sadness that fills my heart. I am thankful for my healthy children, my doting husband and the faithful partner he is. I am thankful for my family, who have rose up to be such wonderful parts of Archer and Oslo’s stories; the gratitude I have for those who love our small humans so well overflows. I am thankful for Our Hive, all of it, and the business we’ve created, nurtured, and grown from every single day; for our clients who trust us to capture such beautiful intimate moments, and come back to us season after season. But when I really stop and think, when I reflect on the year and all of the light it has brought, I am almost suffocated by the weight of the darkness, too. In perfect form, my life, a paradox, where we are so blessed, yet I am deep in the trenches of despair. Waving my arms. Drowning in all of it. Crying in the shower. Screaming into my pillow. Thinking incredibly intrusive thoughts. Anxiety. Anxiety. And anxiety about my anxiety. Wanting to run away or worse, and failing at everything, yet somehow being called “Super Mom”. The title comes out and tastes like vomit and lies. You see, in hindsight I suffered a lot this past year, the gravity of it sits in my throat like rocks. I traveled through postpartum life mostly in silence, partially in denial, sometimes not being taken seriously because apparently I am great at hiding things from those closest to me, and also deeply confused and blindsided. Life after having Oslo was so vastly different than it was post- Archer. I promised myself I would never compare our sons, but for the sake of this post I will. It was more than just the extra tiredness of having two under two, and my patience for my sweet, new baby was thin. I was thrashing around in quicksand and being sucked down- fast! I truly don’t remember Oslo from 1 month to 5 months. I have notes and photos to look back on, but that time was a blur of screaming (from both him and I), sleepless nights, barely scraping up enough energy and motivation to get me through the day and then zoning out completely once Stuart got home from work. I was functioning on autopilot. I feel overwhelming guilt knowing how dependent babies are on social interaction with their caregiver, how it is crucial for secure attachment and development, but I don’t remember doing any of that for Oslo. I feel guilt that I was a sub-par partner to my husband for so many months. And as for Archer? He has stayed true to being our lovely, “easy”, independent, and compassionate helper. I am so thankful that he chose us to be his parents, and me, his mama. I have needed his tiny body to cry into on more than one occasion. Over the past few months I have opened up a bit to some of my closest friends and family about the rough road that life took for me after the birth of our sweet Oz. It felt good to let the weight of it breathe. To talk candidly, yet sometimes vaguely, about my experiences with Postpartum Depression + Anxiety. I still feel very guarded when discussing it, like I have to prove something or no one will believe me, and I’m working on letting people in more and being honest about my struggles. If I can start a dialogue and help one mama not feel so alone, then all of the darkness was worth it. Oslo’s first birthday marked so many things for our family, and for me. I am thankful for Oslo’s sweet soul and the lessons he has taught me about patience, love, and acceptance. I still feel guilt in all the ways I failed to serve him as an infant, in the memories that are a blur, and for not always being the gentle parent I strive to be; but Oslo’s grace and unconditional love, his big smiles and his vibrant personality guide me back towards the light every single day. He shows me that we must keep moving forward, figuratively and literally, as he has places to go and he wants me there by his side; a hand to hold, a sleeve to wipe his boogers on, and a million and one kisses to make up for lost time. This Thanksgiving I am truly thankful for my experiences with Postpartum Depression and Anxiety as I would not be the woman or mother I am today without them. Life feels sweet again, and I am so thankful for it; I am hugging my husband and remembering to kiss him goodnight (most of the time), playing with my kids, laughing, and crying (in a good way!), cooking dinner, and baking again. I am taking time for me. I am letting go of controlling everything and prioritizing myself instead in order to be the best Mama, wife, daughter, sister, and friend I can be.
It’s hard to truly recognize how dark things are until you begin to see the light again. Mental health and I have a bit of a rough past, and I’ve put up a lot of walls to try to ignore the signs and symptoms of it, but I am here to say that it is real, and if you are feeling like something is off, please talk to someone about it. Reach out. Scream, if it helps you in getting your point across. Make them listen. You aren’t being dramatic or overreacting. Your mental health is important and you are worth being taken seriously. The world is so much better with you in it.
If you or someone you know is struggling with Postpartum Depression or Anxiety, Alberta Health Services has support available: AHS Postpartum Depression Services We also have some amazing doulas in our community that can hold space for you during your struggles and guide you towards help, too: Edmonton Doula Association
Thank you for taking the time to read this post- if you have anything to add, would like to talk further, or want to share your story, feel free to message me privately or comment below, I love to hear from you guys.
Yours in motherhood and friendship,
Katie Gray
